My best friend' s wedding.

In life there are some moments that really will define the rest of your lives. Be it finding love or following your dream or even deciding to live .....really live your life. Your way.And may be  a one in a million Sally does meet a Harry when she cant wait for the rest of their life to start or may be he can't,  most of us dont recognize that moment when we are living it.

From planning unseemly adventures that included running away from home carrying our little cousin's toy gun dressed in camouflage to being in the salon getting ready for her wedding to ....well her wedding,  we had come a long way. Honestly not really though. We had not come a long way. We were still the same. So was our bond. And although we had this gut feeling that we chose to ignore,  life had suited up to fuck up our lives for good.
We reached the salon after the last gerhi (us Indians of small town fame don't get bachelorrete night outs ) . The moment we stepped in we saw her. The bitch. Oh no you don't steal the  bride's salon. But we chose to ignore her too. And then began the,  usually fun but not when you are under such duress of getting married,  process. It was good fun. And as the best friend I was diligent in my duty to be on the look out  for bad make up choices that the crazy hair make up artist would talk you into. We selected the perfect shade of lipstick. And after the last cumbersome task of pinning in the 20 kg or so dupatta in her pretty hair she was ready. Atleast sartorially speaking. She looked stunning . And as per the movie that goes on in my head I should've been moist eyed with a single drop of tear trickling down on my cheek gracefully without smudging my mascara. But in truth I was just tense to put it mildly. I believe in the power of thought.  And I was trying my best to radiate positive vibes right in that moment despite the fact that i knew for a fact that she was marrying an emotionally abusive jerk whom i had seen making her miserable for the past 4 years and abandoning her in her lowest moment. Its supposed to follow...the happiness that is. So that's exactly what I did. And I rationalized that since everything is pre destined it must be a good thing. He loves her in his own way. May be this is what love is. And she did agree to marry him of her own accord. We step out of the wooden chamber where she was getting dressed. The bill was more than the money we had. So we pooled in all the chillar that we had. Laughing. For a moment we were back in her home bunking tuitions (her parents were both working making her home a safe haven for our  bunks). Smiling we stepped out . Her dress was so heavy she could barely walk. So she lifted up her lehenga upto her knees and crossed the sidewalk. Only she could look so cool, for lack of a better word,  while wearing the most traditional clothes and 5 " heels.
The driver opened the door  for her. It was an SUV so climbing up into it in all her taam- jhaam was a challenge in itself. She was about to get into the car when she turned. Looked at me with awfully calm eyes. And said
"Yaar main bhaag jaun kya !"

Reflection.

Leaves crackling under my feet,  my heart thumping against my chest, my ragged breathing and the eerie wind whispering in my ears. These are the only sounds I hear . And I run. As fast as my feet would. There is nothing in the wilderness and yet there is everything.  I am searching for a sign,  a clue. I am not sure but I can't stop. I just can't.  I have to find it. To figure it out. May be if I could find someone who has answers . What if no one does?  What if everyone just carries on clueless led by their five senses. Never bothering to explore or acknowledge the existence of a sixth one. Do I believe in  it?  Or is it just me searching for a non existent entity willing it to be true. My mind is pacing faster than my body.  The pressure in my head might jut cause it to explode before I even know what I am looking for.
The forest spreads out as far as my eyes can see. I skip over some of the roots that the earth was unable to contain in itself. But if the sole purpose of the roots is to nourish the tree why have they escaped the bosom of mother earth. Are they defying the reason for their existence or do they know of a wisdom much greater than mere black,  white and grey.
The next thing I know is that I am sprawled  face down on the forest floor,  mud in my mouth and my head is throbbing. I think my nose is broken too. It hurts so bad. What happened?  I try to get my bearings.  I collided.  To something unyielding. I scramble to my feet. I think I have dislocated a shoulder as well. I can't see. I reach out with my hand . Its touch is smooth. Very smooth.  And then as if on cue the moon shines from behind the clouds. Its not a full moon but enough for me to see. So I do. Its a mirror continuing to the end of my line of sight.
And then I really se. ME.

Grinning!

Running errands . Obsessing about my course load that needs to be finished that week. I reach the nearest marketplace. Making a mental list of all that I need to buy. I don't wanna miss something.  Else I will have to make another trip to buy some teeny tiny left out part of my list. Then I have to go back and change my sheets and send them to the laundry before I can start studying . I have a constant monologue going in my head. Kinda like JD from scrubs. Although I am not quite as geeky. And I walk across a block,  cross the road and look up. On the steps of the third shop ahead of me next to the parking lot sits the most ordinary looking guy holding a red rose in his hand . A girl is standing in front of him talking loudly on the phone. I dont hear what she is saying.  He looks up at her with bored insolence . And then looks directly at me. I avert my gaze. People watching is an art that needs stealth for its successful execution.  I plaster on my poker face. I know that he knows that I saw his look. I know that he is staring at me. I am all  Lady gaga poker face poker face. Yes I am. Yes   I am. And then I just cant control my face and it smiles of its own accord. Dammit. Now he is laughing. Out loud . Oh no you dont. I shrug my shoulders and walk right ahead. Grinning like an idiot.

Beware before you wish on a star!

The tricky part in making wishes is that they do come true. Sometimes. Just not in the most desirable setting. And when that happens do you frown at the injustice of it all or do you enjoy the wish coming true part? When life gives you great moments trapped in a milieu that is so tragic on some level that it never really leaves your consciousness. Or rather it doesnt seem quite as tragic as the people you love most and who have seen far more seasons on this earth will have you believe.
Time,  experiences  and sometimes sheer objective abstract observation has been molding my worldview. On the one hand its a good sign...to me it means that I am managing to keep an open mind and heart .... learning trying evolving. On the other hand,  although I am not   sure its  a negative trait really,  but I have reached the conclusion that life is essentially a war. You gotta win but you also gotta live.moments.emotions.relations.love. hate.indifference. jealousy. Appreciation.obssession.and if you are very very lucky ....find your soulmate.
And to not be myopic...think ahead...minds...thats where was wars are won...u just should be smart enough to know which battles to pick!
When all is said and done I guess you ve got to romance life. Love it live it rock it. It just might turn out to be your best lover ever. Whoever said all is fair in love and war?  Is there really any difference between the two? ?

why so serious?

Why am I soooo cynical?  I have had a fairly good life. Could it be that I dig inflicting misery on myself. Does that mean I am a masochist? ?? Not really. Not a masochist surely.
In the most grave of matters life did ditch me . I believed ...I believed in the couples are made in heaven crap. I wasnt looking for a shining armor but may be a friend.? How did I come to believe so surely that no good could ever come out of being in a romantic relationship. My mind keeps going back to a conversation I had with a friend where I was busy explaining how I was never foolish enough to trouble /fuck up my life by being in a relationship.  And this person simply states .....did you ever consider the fact that relationships can be nice?    I was bowled. I still stand right where I was. How did this sad inception take place?  Coz I know for a fact leo DiCaprio was never inside my   head. Sorry. Poor even for a PJ.
So relationships. Can they really be nice or is it another never ending game. From where I am standing,  the relationships where people complete each other are a myth.
I think what also added fuel to it was the fire that consumed my best friend. She always said that she was an optimist and brave . And I believed her too. But when it came to the grind she turned out far more craven than I. I, the queen of pessimisland . The Queen nonetheless.
And I never so much as shouted at her or shook her up telling her what the fuck man . What are you doing. You only get one life.
Nor did I ever question her if she didn't die a lil inside while betraying me so. We were supposed to be sisters. Bloody friends forever. Even fucking studies show that people who ve been friends for 7 years or more are likely to stay friends all their lives. But no when the going gets tough she doesn't take a stand . Instead she drinks the piss of her abusers.
But hey!  I would never say.