Exist!

Up until now , bureaucracy seemed like the top game in the country . Turns out it actually is a life long fight against the system if you want to  do it the right way.
Case in point being the latest tamassha over a certain suspension.
It got me to thinking. (you guessed the influence right ! )
what exactly should one pursue in order to find meaning.
Glamour has its pitfalls and that is an industry that doesnt treat outsiders very well. Nationalism is much like getting into research . After your entire life's work you are not necessarily going to get results to show for it.
Besides, is knowing in your own heart enough?
Aren't most human experiences, the sense of fulfillment , the concept of success, happiness , basically everything, linked intricately to other people's reactions. Be it their envy , their pride in you, flattery or criticism.
What then?
Career vs Family? You will be disppointed and succumb to the existential crisis . Its just a matter of when.
If we talk career , how do you decide on it.
All that you can do really is go with the flow and hope to not hate your life in another 10  years.
In the meanwhile enjoy what you have today. Its a little difficult when people you  care about are constantly nagging you with future worries but most definitely doable. Fun too.
Guess that answers everything hun? Wait till you have kids of your own!!

The female story.

Yes. I am an Indian. An Indian living in India that is.
It goes without saying what a great nation it is and the many many good things that make it so. Essays , odes and books have been written about it. I might pick up the topic of how our originally  progressive and open society came to be bound by shackles of unreasonable social norms ( for god's sake the authors of kamasutra and some very passionate love stories  were infact Indians.) But that is for another time.
Here today i want to talk about something that troubles me so deeply as to wipe out the lovey dovey feelings i have for my country for the time being.
I am not talking from my fairytale land here. Its real. oh-so-very-real.
Rape.
It happens.
Not just in India.
Like any other crime its a worldwide occurence. And I am not talking about marital rape here. I guess that is not even considered a crime. It's a given. Girl marries boy. Boy provides financial security (never mind having to explain every penny spent ) social security (oh yes . by virtue of being married a female is considered respectable) . although rarely any emotional fulfillment. Inturn girl becomes the housekeeper and ofcourse provides the sex. (not necessarily willingly but dont you see that was the arrangement they signed up for)
Pardon my cynicism. But that is the reality for 80 ...make that 95 percent of the populace. Most of them are so conditioned (read: numbed) by the system that they dont even realise what their life has become.Or may be they know that in acceptable societal ways there is no other option. Even suicide is justiciable (ofcourse if not successful).
But here I was trying to talk about random crimes against women.
My point is how -in what universe- can you justify the ostracisation  of the girl (the victim that is) and her family to the point that if unmarried the girl sort of loses the prospect of ever getting married (in a place where marriage is considered the sole purpose of a girls life) while the perpetrator of the crime faces no such dilemma . If acquitted or on completion of sentence if indicted  he can go on with his life. he is the man after all ( some man!)
I read an editorial sometime back in a leading newspaper where in a case of mass gang rape in a village , the village eople decided to report only the rapes of married females and not the unmarried ones. You get my point right ?
Just another thought. Can someone please explain the - I beat my wife because I had to- or- I beat my wife because i love her so much and I am entitled to treat her whatever way my love directs me to.
How can a person consider himself a MAN after this?
I have been born into an educated family . So i havent had to deal with such crap but it is very real and its all around us.
So I was curious . Does anyone really claim to have a rational explanation for all this?

CONFOUNDED!

The mystery still eludes me
Though a few answers are beginning to show
Been Waiting for my own epic
The hackneyed could never placate the woe 

At the core of the flame lies serenity 
You've to live through the heat for the understanding to dawn 
The calm of the ocean allures 
Bt your faith makes you fight for it with all your gusto and brawn 

The wind whispering to the night 
Has all the secrets revealed 
Eavesdropping is not the key
Winning over their trust has to be the lead

For when it touches the heart
Satan is torn asunder
Angels align , the eyes can gaze into the very soul
and to love they surrender

Need to rediscover!

 all my life i hav lived by a predictated protocol , hav had preconcieved notions abt evrythng. lik livin by a rulebook or smthn.but time has broken all of my convictions n i cannot be grateful enuuf for tht . its just so.........liberating! its only wen u lose all your fundas that u realise wt a burdn they really were! they bind u, limit u...they are the shackles that u dont even realise you're wearing.

someone said travelling is the best form of education. i agree really! not only coz it sounds good, feels posh n u can upload its pics on fcbk bt coz it provides u with the real education ( hail pink floyd!!! ) abt lif abt ppl. it broadens ur platform of thinkin makes u stop judgin (if it dsnt dude! u r in serious need of help!!! ) ....catapults you to a whole new level of being....appreciate each moment for what it is ( aint that wt ART f livin s all abt....we dn hav to worry abt the SCIENCE f livin v were born with it.... :). helps u expand ur horizonsn take a flight ,unclip ur wings. makes you embrace  points of view different frm ur own , be flexible, gives u an oppurtunity to respect ppl for what they are irrespective of hw different they are frm u.you see life . existence packaged in different envelops smtims evn gift wrapped.

ya i hope to understand the mechanics of the universe ......i hope to travel the world.....i hope to make a dent in history ......i hope to unravel the mysteries of life.......i believe i am doin my bit to turn the earth, flowing my energies into the channel of the universe.....i could do a lot more i know. i have my human failings. i need to learn to have more faith. afterall faith it is that makes the world go round  ( although money , fame and power have proved to be pretty good motivations as well ;)

CONTINUES....


this is something that I wrote a LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNGGGG time ago though I'm posting it now. Reading it at this point just further underscores what i meant when i said that I've forgotten who I am or was.
I have to muster up enough courage to rediscover my world ....my life. My life when the world used to be my bitch.

The Bridges.

 I am in love

dont take his name , it s almost too sacred

taking my chances , pulling a bluff

mounds of emotion yet tipping it off with hatred

you fight it , and it tickles you

you embrace it , and it dodges you

try to get over it, and it looks at you

with the compelling eyes of one born new

there was no right or wrong, there never is

feel the magic , find your long lost soul

never was yours to claim, lost in a devil's eyes and an angel's kiss

overanalyse it and you lose the whole

that one moment when you

live and you die and then get born again

it has the power to transcend you

to a level unattainable merely by virtue of being humane

YET there IS one gift it doesnt grant me

FORGIVENESS

A different kind of love!

He walks in with a swagger
Places his bet , generous with the tips
His reinforced boot with a dagger
A lazy smile flirting with his lips

Arrogant to his last bone
Aware she is behind the curtain
His eyes beckoning , a single malt moan
The rustling of silk makes him certain

Embers of their last game still warm
The dealer rolls the dice
Rekindling the fire under pretext of charm
It is the intention , not the act, that's a vice

In the blink of an eye, bullets start to rain
The haze didn't let their eyes meet
Having lived, desire warming their every vein
The poisoned kiss rendered useless by the infernal heat

Shoes too big to be filled?

We all have pasts. Translation. We all have baggage. Baggage that we inadvertently end up transferring to our kids .

My question is how does one get it right? 

We have (but ofcourse! ) been on this planet longer than our kids and we have made mistakes along the way (personally and professionally) and sometimes ,not necessarily all the time, but sometimes we have learnt from them. Now all we want to do is impart some of this oft hard acquired wisdom to them , the kids that is. But most of us end up clogging their thought process with our psychological hurdles. 

And yet! how can we not! 

When we see ou kid faced with a dilemma similar to one we have faced in the past, all our protective instincts are stimulated and we jump into the "life coach " mode. We mean well. But we usually fail to realise when we have crossed the line and burdened them with burgeoning expectations of our dreams instead of helping them discover and fulfill theirs. 

Every kid has a potential. Not all of them are born to be greats . Some might just get it right in mediocrity. But there is no shame in that. Mediocrity is a talent in itself that few can master . Whatever may be the case nothing positive comes out of pushing them in an alien direction. 

Another scenario is when parents push their kids into conventional scenarios . Kids who can probably be greats with a little bohemian touch. Or the failure to understand their kid's mental frequency. Afterall no one can ever truly "get" every one else in the world. The same applies to parents and their kids despite their genetic link. 

I have no answer for this conundrum. All that I can say is take heart!

We were born human and we kind of remain that way til the very end. the best that we can do is befreind our kids. And be stern sometimes. And be a life coach sometimes. And be their therapist at times. And provide them structure and stabilty. And be their tutor sometimes. blahblahblah

PHEW! parenting is an impossible job ! 

Got any answers? enlighten me as well. And I say please!

On the Surface.

shadows of darkness illuminate the light

a neverending quest ,an eternal fight

the river doesnt know what lies beyond the next turn

but the uncertainity doesnt uproot its run

the onlookers may never know what lies in its depth

the biggest truth of em all or the biggest myth

but the turmoil  that lies within is only for the river to see

for the rest of them all, its just so merry

they say ocean s got depth and river s  got flow

but the truth is not for the prejudiced to know

the mystery of 'mysteries'

is not meant to be solved or opened by keys

its just there to be present

wrapped to its bosom all that it never vent

deep underneath the layers

lurking out just to dare

n mystify all those standing tall

but then again,  that  is the beauty of it all !!

Crash and Burn!

You've been self destructive all along
It's only a matter of time 
Before you crash and burn
But take heart
'cause it's only when you rise again from the ashes
That you'll find some semblance of peace in your life

Me... I probably never will
'cause I probably never will take a dip that low 
My sensibility will keep me afloat
In the misery zone

Laundry!

The title of this post is neither some metaphoric term with a much more profound meaning nor does it bear any reference to the Shakira song. I literally mean laundry.

I mean how do people manage their laundry? Its actually not as trite as it sounds. I mean you watch all these amazing shows and it barely ever says how the well turned out characters manage their respective laundry! (except may be Penny in The big bang theory :P....and I'm not talking about the apparently over privileged upper east side! )

So what?? Do you wash our clothes after wearing them only once or do you repeat your clothes twice or thrice depending on when you consider them dirty enough and in need of a wash. And if so, most people would obviously not repeat clothes on simultaneous days. So what do you do with them in the meanwhile . Do you hang them up on the wall hangers or do you fold them and put them back into your cupboard ? 

By the way this whole online social networking phenomena has made us all into a bit of a celebrity. I mean who doesnt remember to not repeat their clothes in the online posted pics!! Ha! Like we need the added stress!!

For me personally this is the most irksome house chore and there is no break from it , I mean you've barely put away the first washed and pressed lot when the next one is ready  asking for your TLC. Its like the monster "Rakhtbeej" from Hindu mythology whose every blood drop ,on touching the Earth , would give rise to another monster of his proportion. If only there were a  laundry fairy to waive her magic wand and take care of it all.SIGH!

An ocean too deep!

There are two approaches . moderation and extremism.

i know that moderation might help one to keep one's sanity.

But I've never really understood it.

Me I'm an extremist . I understand passion. 

I also understand that it can destroy you beyond any hopes of repair. It might lead to unsurpassable achievements. BUT it can destroy you.

So I heard someone's story a few days ago . And it got me thinking. ( haha! very carrie bradshaw i know but no relevance whatsoever!)

There is this person. Got a degree in engineering from a well  reputed college. (In India that usually means you're pretty smart. or that your father has a lot of vella sitting wealth. the latter not being the case here! )

Post his graduation instead of following the hackneyed path of taking up campus placement in a private corporation ....this person decides to prepare for UPSC.It takes a toll on the entire family when a kid from a middle class family decides to take up civil services exam because usually the finances are finite and there is expectation for the kid to start earning . so the preparation commences there is no dearth of dedication. cant make it in the first year. once you've delved into the world of preparing for civil services ..its difficult to quit specially if you really have the potential to do it. but these exams , they dont just require aptitude....it is a very long process and a lot goes into it. so another year and another . and then ther;s light to spur you on . As the prelim exam has been cracked in the 3rd attempt. but couldnt make it through the mains...and similar results the next year. meanwhile this person was also taking up state civil exams. and was selected . (BRAVO! you would think han?) well our mahaan desh cancelled that entire list of selected candidates. by the time he got a government job far below his capabilities (not that any job is inferior but that is what your mindset becomes having gone through all this grind! ) , the once fresh faced engineering graduate is 32 and not yet married.

i have not yet mentioned the frustration that seeing your peers rise on the corporate ladder breeds in you. 

having dealt with all this and gaining lifelong supply of depression and frustration.....

all this and i was thinking...

is it better to settle in a comfort zone where you are sure that things will work out or should one take the plunge into deeper oceans?

Breathe!

I used the term "irrevocably damaged" in my previous post. Let me just clarify ...its not so much damaged as clouded (hopefully temporarily...fingers crossed) . The truth of the matter is that I cannot think of a scenario in my head where I along with the people I love am happy .

But something that happened very recently has renewed my faith in the goodness of the universe. A situation, that I could not have concocted in my hyperimaginative head, has happened. Past tense Has already happened, although it is completely unrelated to my ongoing plight and yet! ( Yes I'm giggling inside) .

Once again reminding me that I'm just a speck of dirt in the universe...in the grander scheme of things. and its oddly comforting. The weight of responsibility lifted from  my fragile shoulders
. 

And i breathe . Smile a slow smile. Tap a beat. Smell the rain. 

when you feel sad, DANCE.

I am wrting .......writing because i have to !

Should i be reconciling with the fact that this is the best possible version of life or should i fight back!

look for alternatives! simply look........look beyond all the murkiness......look to be 'wowed'......god knows i want to. (at this point ive lost the will to make the "i's" capital)

all i want is some serenity. some semblance of "me" that ive absolutely lost along the way.

and it has not been that long of a way either! i'm so young.

i cant believe that i'm only 25 and in the mess that i m in!

and i ve always done the right thing mind you...everything conventional...have been politically correct so to say....havent had much of fun or adventure...have been the goody two shoes more or less....and still i had to run into such a vicious scenario completely lacking grace !

i have a sister.

opposite poles.

completely different set of choices we made both professionally and personally.

and both of our lives suck!

life has got to be a vampire! very cheesy or is it funny?

i cant decide anymore.

are all tragedies a comedy and vice versa?

i am not speaking in the sense of the usual youth associated jargon "oh yaa! life it sucks!" . i literally mean irrevocably damaged. hopeless. abyss. 

we dont have the guts to break free because we have lived such protected lives that we are not sure what lies beyond. what if its worse? but isnt good and bad a relative phenomena? 

i have some breathers like the caption that  i added to this blog...but they are far from the answer i'm looking for...(yes ive read paulo coehlo...he is great but i am no brida....can i ever be?)