My best friend' s wedding.

In life there are some moments that really will define the rest of your lives. Be it finding love or following your dream or even deciding to live .....really live your life. Your way.And may be  a one in a million Sally does meet a Harry when she cant wait for the rest of their life to start or may be he can't,  most of us dont recognize that moment when we are living it.

From planning unseemly adventures that included running away from home carrying our little cousin's toy gun dressed in camouflage to being in the salon getting ready for her wedding to ....well her wedding,  we had come a long way. Honestly not really though. We had not come a long way. We were still the same. So was our bond. And although we had this gut feeling that we chose to ignore,  life had suited up to fuck up our lives for good.
We reached the salon after the last gerhi (us Indians of small town fame don't get bachelorrete night outs ) . The moment we stepped in we saw her. The bitch. Oh no you don't steal the  bride's salon. But we chose to ignore her too. And then began the,  usually fun but not when you are under such duress of getting married,  process. It was good fun. And as the best friend I was diligent in my duty to be on the look out  for bad make up choices that the crazy hair make up artist would talk you into. We selected the perfect shade of lipstick. And after the last cumbersome task of pinning in the 20 kg or so dupatta in her pretty hair she was ready. Atleast sartorially speaking. She looked stunning . And as per the movie that goes on in my head I should've been moist eyed with a single drop of tear trickling down on my cheek gracefully without smudging my mascara. But in truth I was just tense to put it mildly. I believe in the power of thought.  And I was trying my best to radiate positive vibes right in that moment despite the fact that i knew for a fact that she was marrying an emotionally abusive jerk whom i had seen making her miserable for the past 4 years and abandoning her in her lowest moment. Its supposed to follow...the happiness that is. So that's exactly what I did. And I rationalized that since everything is pre destined it must be a good thing. He loves her in his own way. May be this is what love is. And she did agree to marry him of her own accord. We step out of the wooden chamber where she was getting dressed. The bill was more than the money we had. So we pooled in all the chillar that we had. Laughing. For a moment we were back in her home bunking tuitions (her parents were both working making her home a safe haven for our  bunks). Smiling we stepped out . Her dress was so heavy she could barely walk. So she lifted up her lehenga upto her knees and crossed the sidewalk. Only she could look so cool, for lack of a better word,  while wearing the most traditional clothes and 5 " heels.
The driver opened the door  for her. It was an SUV so climbing up into it in all her taam- jhaam was a challenge in itself. She was about to get into the car when she turned. Looked at me with awfully calm eyes. And said
"Yaar main bhaag jaun kya !"

Reflection.

Leaves crackling under my feet,  my heart thumping against my chest, my ragged breathing and the eerie wind whispering in my ears. These are the only sounds I hear . And I run. As fast as my feet would. There is nothing in the wilderness and yet there is everything.  I am searching for a sign,  a clue. I am not sure but I can't stop. I just can't.  I have to find it. To figure it out. May be if I could find someone who has answers . What if no one does?  What if everyone just carries on clueless led by their five senses. Never bothering to explore or acknowledge the existence of a sixth one. Do I believe in  it?  Or is it just me searching for a non existent entity willing it to be true. My mind is pacing faster than my body.  The pressure in my head might jut cause it to explode before I even know what I am looking for.
The forest spreads out as far as my eyes can see. I skip over some of the roots that the earth was unable to contain in itself. But if the sole purpose of the roots is to nourish the tree why have they escaped the bosom of mother earth. Are they defying the reason for their existence or do they know of a wisdom much greater than mere black,  white and grey.
The next thing I know is that I am sprawled  face down on the forest floor,  mud in my mouth and my head is throbbing. I think my nose is broken too. It hurts so bad. What happened?  I try to get my bearings.  I collided.  To something unyielding. I scramble to my feet. I think I have dislocated a shoulder as well. I can't see. I reach out with my hand . Its touch is smooth. Very smooth.  And then as if on cue the moon shines from behind the clouds. Its not a full moon but enough for me to see. So I do. Its a mirror continuing to the end of my line of sight.
And then I really se. ME.

Grinning!

Running errands . Obsessing about my course load that needs to be finished that week. I reach the nearest marketplace. Making a mental list of all that I need to buy. I don't wanna miss something.  Else I will have to make another trip to buy some teeny tiny left out part of my list. Then I have to go back and change my sheets and send them to the laundry before I can start studying . I have a constant monologue going in my head. Kinda like JD from scrubs. Although I am not quite as geeky. And I walk across a block,  cross the road and look up. On the steps of the third shop ahead of me next to the parking lot sits the most ordinary looking guy holding a red rose in his hand . A girl is standing in front of him talking loudly on the phone. I dont hear what she is saying.  He looks up at her with bored insolence . And then looks directly at me. I avert my gaze. People watching is an art that needs stealth for its successful execution.  I plaster on my poker face. I know that he knows that I saw his look. I know that he is staring at me. I am all  Lady gaga poker face poker face. Yes I am. Yes   I am. And then I just cant control my face and it smiles of its own accord. Dammit. Now he is laughing. Out loud . Oh no you dont. I shrug my shoulders and walk right ahead. Grinning like an idiot.

Beware before you wish on a star!

The tricky part in making wishes is that they do come true. Sometimes. Just not in the most desirable setting. And when that happens do you frown at the injustice of it all or do you enjoy the wish coming true part? When life gives you great moments trapped in a milieu that is so tragic on some level that it never really leaves your consciousness. Or rather it doesnt seem quite as tragic as the people you love most and who have seen far more seasons on this earth will have you believe.
Time,  experiences  and sometimes sheer objective abstract observation has been molding my worldview. On the one hand its a good sign...to me it means that I am managing to keep an open mind and heart .... learning trying evolving. On the other hand,  although I am not   sure its  a negative trait really,  but I have reached the conclusion that life is essentially a war. You gotta win but you also gotta live.moments.emotions.relations.love. hate.indifference. jealousy. Appreciation.obssession.and if you are very very lucky ....find your soulmate.
And to not be myopic...think ahead...minds...thats where was wars are won...u just should be smart enough to know which battles to pick!
When all is said and done I guess you ve got to romance life. Love it live it rock it. It just might turn out to be your best lover ever. Whoever said all is fair in love and war?  Is there really any difference between the two? ?

why so serious?

Why am I soooo cynical?  I have had a fairly good life. Could it be that I dig inflicting misery on myself. Does that mean I am a masochist? ?? Not really. Not a masochist surely.
In the most grave of matters life did ditch me . I believed ...I believed in the couples are made in heaven crap. I wasnt looking for a shining armor but may be a friend.? How did I come to believe so surely that no good could ever come out of being in a romantic relationship. My mind keeps going back to a conversation I had with a friend where I was busy explaining how I was never foolish enough to trouble /fuck up my life by being in a relationship.  And this person simply states .....did you ever consider the fact that relationships can be nice?    I was bowled. I still stand right where I was. How did this sad inception take place?  Coz I know for a fact leo DiCaprio was never inside my   head. Sorry. Poor even for a PJ.
So relationships. Can they really be nice or is it another never ending game. From where I am standing,  the relationships where people complete each other are a myth.
I think what also added fuel to it was the fire that consumed my best friend. She always said that she was an optimist and brave . And I believed her too. But when it came to the grind she turned out far more craven than I. I, the queen of pessimisland . The Queen nonetheless.
And I never so much as shouted at her or shook her up telling her what the fuck man . What are you doing. You only get one life.
Nor did I ever question her if she didn't die a lil inside while betraying me so. We were supposed to be sisters. Bloody friends forever. Even fucking studies show that people who ve been friends for 7 years or more are likely to stay friends all their lives. But no when the going gets tough she doesn't take a stand . Instead she drinks the piss of her abusers.
But hey!  I would never say.

my place in the world

When you drive top down
Feel the wind in your hair
Seeping through your skin
Making your blood sing
It was that kind of a day.  

When your mind is uncluttered
With thoughts of hypothetical situations
, unspoken resentments
&broken promises
It was that kind of a day

When a bitch crying by roadside
Over her puppy' s dead body
Gives you a fresh perspective
About what really matters
It was that kind of a day

When mere walking becomes cathartic
You feel the joy of your senses unapologetically
You hear the call of the universe
&the skies smile down on you
It was that kind of a day

When you are sure of your place in the world
Have no doubt about being God's favourite child
When nothing could go wrong
&the fucking world is MY biatch
It was just that kinda day
  

The quest

may world be my conquest

but its not supermacy that i desire over the rest

let sun be my master and stars be my guide

for its the supreme one i believe in, nature i plan to abide

he has given me vision to be blinded by the beauty of his creation

abt what path i am to follow , i hav no notion

just find solace in the belief that life will culminate itself

its meaning be elucidated, its magic be whispered by the elf

hope is not my constant companion

and hoplessness is the preview of oblivion

but the shining light of love penetrates the abyss

revives me with the vitality of life, the life of a stolen kiss

my curve of growth is lined by doubts galore

adds fuel to my quest, my passion to my core

Trapped!

I am in a limbo. With   unpleasant surroundings. I wanna run but I can't. I wanna hide but I can't. I wanna face it but I can't see it. I look around desperate for a clue. I strain my eyes squinting them trying to bring my view in focus. But its foggy. All around. And I am suspended in the air. My feet not touching the ground. Unbearable pain shooting up from my spine encircling my ribs compressing my lungs smothering me. My heart wants to burst out from my chest to get away from the pain. Its thumping at a maddening pace against my chest adding to the intensity  of the pain. I open my mouth to scream but I hear no voice. I am screaming in my head. The blood vessel over my temple is pulsating threatening to rupture. And there is no one. Nothing.....that even has the mercy to give me a quick death.

The Eye .

Let the coin flip
Turning the good into evil
Raw nerves exposed
The angel drawn to the devil

When the raindrops burn the skin
And the sunlight hurts the eye
The call of the ravenous
And life begs me to die

If the darkness is where I belong
Let the light be my battlefield
For I will rule this Earth and beyond
For all the tears that I bleed.

Newspaper Bill

I have a job . And my salary gets credited to my account in the last week of every month. Its all jolly good.
Yet what really brings a smile to my face is the reimbursement of my newspaper bill by my office . :) see there it is :)
Its like the thrill of opening your presents after having thrown a really expensive birthday party costing you so much money that uou could've bought all that stuff yourself and then some (and it would've been ur choice too!  )
Like the joy of finding that forgotten,  silly 100 bucks in the pocket of your washed up jeans.
Like the glee you feel when the cute cafe guy gives you a complementary box of cookies with ur coffee. ( in a totally non creepy kinda way! )
Like the thrill you feel just dreaming about the existence  of that "one" person that you' d die or kill for.
Like the peace you feel just taking a walk with your closest friend talking about the not- so- important-stuff   just as vividly as about the biggest passions of your life. The feeling that all the money in the world couldn't buy!
Like that conversation with someone with whom you just instantaneously click that heightens all your senses in a way that  the strongest shot of cappuccino couldn't.
Like redefining perfection everyday. Finding it in a cuppa coffee,  in a cool breeze on an exhausting hot day,  in one look,  one feel of fabric,  flipping to cooler side of the pillow,  in one purchase of something you will never need,  in one moment when you see a mother's love for her child,  in finding a breathtaking meadow in the overgrown unmowed grass of a neglected park.

Phoebe!

I' ve seen friends and I' vr seen friends. You know.
You love and you laugh and you live and you die a little at times . And you fall in love over and over again with the  characters,  th3 emotion,  the humour and the city.
And then there is the debate about you favourite chatacter.
Mine is Phoebe.
She is the wierd one I know but she is also the one most at ease with who she is. Case in point being that episode where rachel and monica end up calling each other bossy and a pushovdr coz of pheobe and then they gang up and call her flaky. She just brushes them off owning it up like only phoebe could.
She  had nothing growing up but she survived doing whatever it took and yet without getting bitter in the process.
What we consider monumental misfortunes fall short when the truggle is to survive each day at a time.
She had true appreciation of the concept of living in the moment and her lack of apprehension in trying out different things or sticking to her idea of things or when she makes Ross question his scientific beliefs and then waves with a "well,  That was fun! "
I am nothing like her .
I overthink as a rule.
Assessing everything minutely.
Hung up on the results and repercussions.
And for the life of me I cant go gor a jog' the Phoebe way' !!
So ya!  I appreciate her the most. Coz I too wanna free my mind from all the unnecessary clutter and just breathe and be quirky and play crappy music if I want to and wear santa pants if I want to and celebrate life for no reason.
I just wanna be me.
No apologies.

All In The Name Of Tradition

My mother once told me that when we were born,  my parents,  as anyone in the youthful state of mind in any era,  thought that by the time we,  their kids,  grow up,  things would have drastically changed in the Indian society . That people will educate their girls more and more and the morbid practice of dowry will die a very public death .
Boy were they wrong!
When I was studying in college I was very idealistic. Girls and boys are equal (that's what I had seen growing up in my parent's house ) . Cast and creed distinction doesnt exist anymore. Blah blah.
Boy was I stupid! To have believed that anything could really change in india.
Things just take on a different color without losing their structural stink.
In the earlier version of time,  people did notspend any money educating their girls to save up money for their dowry,  a prerequisite for their marriage,  the ultimate goal of a girl's life,  as I' ve mentioned in my previous posts. The groom' s family inturn expected docile submissive ready to be abused girls that will bring dowry for them.
Turn to the latesht version of time as it stands still on bharat bhumi,  the time of AAP,  the time that has witnessed Kiran Bedi in action, the time of Sunny Leone coming to work in India,  the time of a Sunita Williams and a Kalpana Chawla, the time of a Shobbha   Dey talking about lives of stars,  the time when Sussane leaves Hrithik Roshan, the time of boasting about honour killings  , be it Manoj and Bubbly or be it Aarushi Talwar.
Mind you these are not tales of an average Indian. These re exceptional people.
In this age and time a' normal'  groom's family expects a girl who is well educated,  who will go out and earn to supplement household's income,  who before going to work will slog at household chores,  who still would not be respected,  who will get a lot of dowry for them notonly at the time of wedding mind you,  no no no,  that my dear friends is a life long phenomenon .
No matter how well educated on yhe surface the in laws invariably ecpect the' bahu'  to get gifts and suits for them every time she goes to her parents house (for which ofcourse she will be riduculed and taunted coz even if the in laws dress like maids on their own time but when the bahu gets them something it should be laced with gold and stuff . But ofcourse )
Oh and those of you still enchanted with the Indian culture,  the bride' s parents are supposed to give gold ornaments to all inlaws ( including mom in lsw,  dad in law,  bro in law,  ofcoz the groom himself,  married sis in law along with her inlaws and her husvand and kid ) .all that the girl gets them is forgotten in a week or two and then they want more . If the bahu happens to give birth to a child, her parents are again supposed to handout gold to in laws and the wretched sis in law . The main issue is not healthy birthing process,  no no,  the issue is what she will get from her parents for her in laws.
All in the name of tradition
Enchanted?
P.S. those of you who do not understand the fascination with the fifty shades triology,  let me tell u a lil secret . An average indian woman's life is all about being submissive and slogging minus the complementary orgasms. God bless E L James .

Not that I expect anyone to read it but I sure hope that there are some people out there who can relate to this.
Generally I tend to  be abstract about stuff but this, now,  is too personal for me to be detached and aloof .
My defense mechanism over the years has been denial. I pack up all unpleasant /traumatic things in one corner of my brain and pretend that it never happened.
But when life forces you to look the worst part of your life in the eye, whole of your world crumbles around you .
When you are tortured to the point that it breaks your spirit .
When you realise that your society is such that your future looks abysmal in all possible directions.
When you lived by this same society's rules all your life and yet it will abandon you for one factor alone.
When a really intelligent and worldly wise person tells you that in india if a girl,  no matter how talented,  ends up marrying the wrong person then her life is finished .
When you married a man older than you who fails to find his voice when confronted with people even for a right cause.
When your husband' s sister is a a bitch comparable to his mother who left no stone unturned in making your life hell.
When that motherfucking shiteating sister cares only about dominating her parents household along with her own in laws place.
When that same bitch was told by you that her mother  is torturing you so much that in your eighth month of pregnancy you are losing weight like anything and that you Are worried for the health of the baby about to be born just laughed in your face.
When that  same bitch advises your husband to not talk to you.
When your husband satnds by watching your wear down on a daily basis without coming to your rescue and still calling himself a man.
When that same bastard lets his mother and his brother defame you in the conservative indian society.
When that same bastard allows his mother to abuse you.
When his sister dictates if you can step out of the house or not.
When  his mother makes a ruckus every time you go for a pregnancy monthly checkup claiming that its not required and again abuses you.
When these bastards defame you lime anytjing and continue in the same vein.
When this wretched husband refuses to even meet with you to talk .


For all the prayers I have said in my life I call upon you God to do justice and give me strength and show me the light that evades me.